The Stories Don't Stop
This is part 8 of a series of articles on sexual harassment, assault, and discrimination in financial services. You can read more about the genesis of the project, as well as the other installments to date on the series landing page.
As I began publishing the Do Better series, many people reached out to me- friends, colleagues, journalists, strangers. The response was overwhelming. In fact, it was so much more than I expected that I decided to slow down the pace of publication so I could better manage requests and correspondence as they came in. I am extraordinarily grateful for all of the attention the series has received (and will be writing an article about the process and reception later).
The most common type of response I received was women sharing their terrible stories of harassment, discrimination, and assault with me. I read every story I received and replied to as many as I could. Some of the women were willing to share their anonymized stories publicly, but I couldn’t fit them into the series in time; this article shares those stories. The stories below are told by the women-in-finance who experienced them and are shared with their permission, in the words of the women who wrote or spoke them to me. I edited some submissions for clarity, length, and to remove identifying details of all parties.
Content warning: some of these stories include graphic descriptions of sexual assault.
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At a professional dinner event, a financial services professional - male and intoxicated - tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned around, he took both of his hands and grabbed a handful of my hair while saying, "I've been wanting to do that all night - your hair is gorgeous!" The only person at the table who helped me was a female colleague who kept saying, "Let her go!" and swatted at his arms. The man said, "What's wrong? It's a compliment. Jeesh!" and walked away. I was humiliated and worked hard to pick up the conversation where it left off feeling very stung by the incident.
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Among other things, I’ve had to go to HR because a coworker kept asking me when I was getting pregnant; I’ve had clients and colleagues comment suggestively on my appearance; and I’ve had a client ask me for a “birthday hug,” repeatedly. It’s death by a thousand cuts, and while I really like what I do, I don’t think I can take this much longer. The absence of women in my investment division is discouraging — I feel like I can’t find anyone to talk to about the issues I face.
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I have written about my experiences of harassment & discrimination for financial blogs. These sites are still the venue mainly for white males, so often I get strong push-back in the comments section, with men who don’t know me looking for reasons to shoot holes in my story or suggest what facts I must be leaving out, all in defense of the system (which they succeeded in, so it had to be fair!).
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I spoke about digital marketing strategies at a financial services conference. When I came off stage and joined the cocktail hour, a man - fairly intoxicated - came up and said he needed help with his social media posts. He said he couldn't understand why his fall campaign wasn't getting as much engagement and asked me to look at his posts. I said I would be happy to review his content at which time he showed me a Halloween photo of a skeleton with an erection that said, "Self Portrait." He laughed with a group of men and I smiled politely and excused myself from the conversation.
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I was physically assaulted at my very first conference at the age of 22 when a much older man put his hands up my skirt to "remember what a young woman felt like". I actually stopped going to events after that happened.
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The day before I went on maternity leave I was jokingly told “to come back when I was ready to do real work” by the CEO. That has rung in my ears since.
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I worked for a small firm and was the only woman on staff. When I started, I didn't know the firm's clients and would prepare for my my meetings by learning about the clients ahead of time. I did this by looking over a few years of performance statements, reading prior meeting notes, and asking my colleagues about the clients,. My questions were along the lines of, "Tell me about So and So; Tell me about So and So's experience; How did So and So come to create their wealth?; What is So and So's profession?"
If the client was a woman, the very first piece of information I received in response was about how the woman looked (height, weight, eye color, and/or relative attractiveness in the eyes of my male colleague) or how old she was and whether or not she looked "good for her age." If the client was a man, the answers were about their careers or the industries they worked in, or maybe how their family came to accumulate wealth over time. This pattern never changed during my tenure at the firm.
One of the most upsetting and offensive remarks was about a client who had made a successful career for herself. She was described to me thusly; Well, she looks like your average Mexican cleaning lady." When I asked what my colleague meant by that, I was treated to some very classist and racist remarks about what people from Mexico supposedly look like. After that day, I knew I wouldn't stay at the firm.
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I left the world of investment/finance because of the culture. I was once told that I needed to think like a white man during a discussion on investment strategies.
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I asked HR for help to address a toxic, sexist workplace. In the end, I could not do anything. The advisor team I was calling out for bad behavior brought in a lot of money and it was clear they were “untouchable.” I was laid off, given a severance package that included non disparagement and non disclosure agreements; I felt worthless and invisible.
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Now What?
In the prior installments I’ve offered solutions to consider, in line with the theme of each article. Since this article doesn’t have a theme, I’ll repeat the one request I’ve had in every article so far:
I urge you to continue listening to women’s experiences to better understand the problem.
Let me make that shorter:
Listen to women.
If you have a good relationship with a woman colleague in your office or network, let her know you’ve read this series and ask her if she’d ever like to chat about her experience in financial services.
If you don’t have good relationships with any women in your network, use this time to think about why that is, how you can either change your behavior, and how to have a more diverse network.
If your company is working on this issue, I would be happy to share learning resources, and I would be pleased to help you advance the conversation at your next conference or event.